Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Rebel in me...

As I tell people, I consider my life as a journey. So the next few blogs will be about my journey thus far. When I was growing up, I was not allowed to make any choices of my own. My mother was very unemotional & OCD and my father was absent. (supposedly working all the time..which I later learned was most likely having affairs) I was always a free spirit. Never knew what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. I was willing to try new things but with a mom who was worried all the time and a controller, I was always told it was too dangerous or not what she wanted. Throughout my schooling, I never fit into a clique however everyone seemed to know me.

I tried many things in HS...always loved to dance. I was chosen for drill team but my mother would not allow me since it cost too much. I was forced to be in band and hated it. Was never good at playing an instrument. So instead I painted my nails..hehe! I found a way to dance by trying out for color guard. I did it on my own as I always have done. Behind my mother's back. Again, I was chosen. She accepted this since it was connected to the band. (which BTW my brother was the drum major) I was good at dancing and twirling and it was something I chose. Made many friends in color guard but still had many friends outside of it too. My best friend was a writer and editor of the school newspaper. She & I spent most of our time proclaiming ourselves as "Hippie Chicks". We traveled all over town & doing crazy shit..which I will talk about in later blogs. I joined theater and loved acting but growing up with an anti-social family, I had major anxiety in front of a crowd so when it came down to it, I was scared. Again though, I was determined to find something that I had chosen.

I never dated anyone from HS..they just were not interesting to me. I wanted something more. Nothing ever was satisfying to me so I did spent lots of time searching for something or someone to make me feel complete. This really never happened. I dated many guys that I met at teen night clubs, at the beach, around town, or in college. I was very sexual. I was searching for an emotional attachment that I did not have with my family. Of course, I did not find it with any of them either but I was a who would. I loved my experiences looking for hot guys to hook up with. I dated guys that were photographers, an entire fire station full of hot guys, rich boys who did lots of drugs, random guys from clubs. Anyone who lived a life that was SO against my family's ideals. Keep in mind, my parents never knew about any of them. Some were amazing, others were total dicks...but in all they were of my choosing. They always seem to be the bad boys. Guys I would never take home to mommy. I had to lie about where I was and what I was doing but I loved every minute of it.

Thinking about it now, I am sure that is where all this began. At an early age, I loved being sexual, I loved searching for new men, I loved being risky and the excitement of trying wild new adventures. I was truly never one to be your average middle class soccer mom. Living a life that was mundane. I have always needed to feel sexy & free. It is who I am and I am SO happy that I have now realized it and can act on my true emotions rather than hiding from them. This experience has been quite a coming out for me.

The next few blogs I will get into more detail about my experiences throughout my life leading up to where I am today. I was always the rebel & the wild child. Guess you never truly change. You are who you are & when you can be that is a great relief.